the post-breakup facebook de-friend.

if breakups weren't hard enough. on top of returning each others belongings, divvying up friends as if they were mutual equity, and the fear of running into each other without warning (or makeup on for that matter), there's now the dreaded dilemma whether or not to remain friends... on facebook.

i've seen it go many ways, and am still undecided as to the best approach. some might think it's petty, some might think it's a non-issue, but seeing as though social media gets me a pay check every other week, i think it's something worth paying attention to. whether you want to admit it or not, facebook plays a large part in relationships in this day and age. case in point: this horribly amazing breakup. 

we live in a world in which we're now slaves to an algorithm that decides what's important to us. that's a risky little game to play when avoiding any mention of your ex's name, let alone see his/her face all up in your newsfeed.

but wait a second, you can totally handle it because you're for sure winning this breakup.

don't act like you haven't been there. every breakup has a winner or a loser, whether you're willing to admit it or not. there's someone that always comes out on top. often times it's subtle, but it's apparent nonetheless. regardless, you can't show any signs of weakness either way, so you avoid clicking that fateful little link: unfriend. you stare at it until you've entered a cyber mexican standoff. there's just so much at stake here. it's more than pride. it's a matter of life and death.

ok, maybe that's a bit hyperbolic.

but it really is a lose-lose situation. if you're the first one to end the "friendship," you're outwardly admitting your inability to emotionally handle the breakup. however, if you don't, you're constantly reminded your ex's life does indeed go on without you, even if you wish misery upon them with every fiber of your being. neither one of those outcomes is ideal. especially when the wound is at its freshest.

but what about once both parties have "moved on?"

a gal pal of mine just went through a situation in which her exboyfriend of a few months randomly de-friended her out of the blue. after many a "wtf!?!?!" and "omg what an ass! is he for real?!" we decided to put our heads together and get down to the bottom of this completely asinine circumstance. is it really necessary to absolve the relationship on facebook after everyone is supposedly back on their feet? why now? what could possibly have triggered this?

it turns my gal pal's exboyfriend had actually gotten into a new relationship almost instantaneously after their breakup (what a douche). but as we got to thinking we realized it must have been his (heinous) new girlfriend who was the brains behind this de-friending operation.

there really isn't any other logical explanation as to why we came to this conclusion other than: girls are crazy. i hate to generalize, but i really wouldn't put it passed a member of my species to do such a thing. hell, who hasn't logged on to someone else's facebook and snooped around a bit? you're lying if you say you've never partaken in this activity. lisa, i'm looking at you.

dating in this day and age is completely ambiguous. between facebook, texting, email, IM, twitter, skype and all of the other countless means of communications out there (notice i didn't mention the phone? who calls people these days anyways?), it's getting harder and harder to define relationships. chill out fellow commitment-phoebes, by relationship i of course mean texting consistently and hooking up on the weekends. that sound more like it?

it's hard not to hate the social media channels; blame them for ruining our lives and providing even more grey lines for us to tip toe around. so, if you are going to de-friend an ex, tread lightly. stalking can be just as addictive as any drug, and next thing you know you're begging a friend, one who will judge you the least, for their facbeook login. i guess we all have our vices.

but you wouldn't know anything about that, because you're for sure #winning.

what to do when you find out one of your guy friends made out with a lesbian.

it's not often of an occasion, hearing one of your male friends made out with a gal who favors the same sex. well, let me rephrase that. i wouldn't put it past someone like my friend steve - he definitely has enough swagger to pull that one off. but in this instance, i heard the news and could hardly contain my laughter. call me a bitch, but i love any opportunity i can get to harass this particular pal of mine. let's call him jim, for the sake of argument. and the girl he made out with, sarah.

now, my first time hearing of this wasn't from jim himself, which makes it just that much better. learning of it second-hand allowed me to conjure up a multitude of mental images as to how i interpreted the event to transpire. i now realize, upon hearing the accurate rendition of the night, my version of the story was completely far from the truth. however, i still like to pretend this is what happened:

picture a guy. not too tall, not too short. a handsome fellow. with a goofy, yet charming, personality. that's jim. 

now, picture a gal. on the shorter side. a bit stocky. most likely wearing black lace-up combat boots of some sort. probably sporting a spiky hair cut. that's sarah. *note: i have nothing against lesbians. in fact, i fully support homosexuality. but just as there are ugly straight people, there are ugly lesbians, too.

it was a charity event. jim had been looking forward to the open bar the entire week and even put on a cummerbund and bow tie for the occasion. he happened to be in attendance with some mutual friends, all of them couples. being the odd man out, jim saw this as prime opportunity to pick up some chicks. 


the night consisted of teeny tiny finger foods and many, MANY, grey goose martinis. as the end of the night drew near, jim was feeling more confident than ever. struttin' around the room, sporting his booze goggles, he spotted her. looking around, he noticed all his friends were preoccupied with their significant others. it was a solo mission, and he was ready. he ordered another drink at the bar, and walked over to sarah. 


their conversation started off as any normal pithy dialogue would upon meeting someone under the influence. "what do you do? where do you live? what brings you here tonight? are those doc martins?" apparently that was enough for sarah, as she grabbed jim's face and started making out with him. 


totally appropriate for a black-tie open bar cocktail party, mind you.


and then, she was gone. the ninja fade, as i like to call it. most likely realizing the ramifications of her actions. or maybe she was butch-cinderella. the world will never know. jim went home, alone, slice of pizza in his hand as he drifted off to sleep, dreaming of his mystery lesbian. 


unfortunately, all of the above is just the inner workings of my childish mind. the real story goes nothing like that.

if you want to know, you'll just have to ask jim.