Saturday, March 3, 2012

what to do when you find out one of your guy friends made out with a lesbian.

it's not often of an occasion, hearing one of your male friends made out with a gal who favors the same sex. well, let me rephrase that. i wouldn't put it past someone like my friend steve - he definitely has enough swagger to pull that one off. but in this instance, i heard the news and could hardly contain my laughter. call me a bitch, but i love any opportunity i can get to harass this particular pal of mine. let's call him jim, for the sake of argument. and the girl he made out with, sarah.

now, my first time hearing of this wasn't from jim himself, which makes it just that much better. learning of it second-hand allowed me to conjure up a multitude of mental images as to how i interpreted the event to transpire. i now realize, upon hearing the accurate rendition of the night, my version of the story was completely far from the truth. however, i still like to pretend this is what happened:

picture a guy. not too tall, not too short. a handsome fellow. with a goofy, yet charming, personality. that's jim. 

now, picture a gal. on the shorter side. a bit stocky. most likely wearing black lace-up combat boots of some sort. probably sporting a spiky hair cut. that's sarah. *note: i have nothing against lesbians. in fact, i fully support homosexuality. but just as there are ugly straight people, there are ugly lesbians, too.

it was a charity event. jim had been looking forward to the open bar the entire week and even put on a cummerbund and bow tie for the occasion. he happened to be in attendance with some mutual friends, all of them couples. being the odd man out, jim saw this as prime opportunity to pick up some chicks. 

the night consisted of teeny tiny finger foods and many, MANY, grey goose martinis. as the end of the night drew near, jim was feeling more confident than ever. struttin' around the room, sporting his booze goggles, he spotted her. looking around, he noticed all his friends were preoccupied with their significant others. it was a solo mission, and he was ready. he ordered another drink at the bar, and walked over to sarah. 

their conversation started off as any normal pithy dialogue would upon meeting someone under the influence. "what do you do? where do you live? what brings you here tonight? are those doc martins?" apparently that was enough for sarah, as she grabbed jim's face and started making out with him. 

totally appropriate for a black-tie open bar cocktail party, mind you.

and then, she was gone. the ninja fade, as i like to call it. most likely realizing the ramifications of her actions. or maybe she was butch-cinderella. the world will never know. jim went home, alone, slice of pizza in his hand as he drifted off to sleep, dreaming of his mystery lesbian. 

unfortunately, all of the above is just the inner workings of my childish mind. the real story goes nothing like that.

if you want to know, you'll just have to ask jim. 

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