you down with OKC? yeah, you know me!

more often than not, when my friends and i do something completely ridiculous and/or kooky, it's usually for the sake of the story. i'm going to use that same mentality as my justification for all of us signing up for okcupid. (as if one dating site wasn't bad enough. sometimes i let my masochistic tendencies get the best of me).

below, you'll find a compilation of our favorite interaction thus far. mind you: it's been a week and a half.

i came across your profile and was quite enamored by such an articulate and heavenly blessed beauty. i would be kicking myself if i didn't ask, so i was wondering if you would accept an engagement of witty banter between two intellectuals? of course this "engagement" may start off as purely platonic but my sensual desires will most likely guide our cohesive unity down more erotic, lascivious, and sexual paths that will include but are not limited to passionate make out sessions under the star lit sky, dry humping, fondling each others naughty parts inducing orgasms, and an abundance of new uncharted sexual positions where i assert my pure dominance in establishing a realm of absolute sovereignty in your nether regions. is this something you would be interested in pursuing?

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hmm, i think i know you...you're the spy i met in macedonia last year. the one who got me drunk and stole my rolex spy-cam and briefcase with top secret files as soon as i passed out... don't think the fact you got rid of the eye-patch and got that giant mole removed has me fooled. i'm onto you... 

so what did you spend my 10,000 euros on? diamonds, plastic surgery, chocolate... or what? 

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hey there. i'm on here for some casual fun. i love that you like golden girls and friends... not sure if you wanted to chat here for a bit but i'm available thursday to grab coffee in the afternoon if that would work for you? - this guy. 

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conversation with a stranger is a strange thing sometimes! but i do really like your profile, and we may make good friends. so, let's see. i'll tell you what... 

we can talk about movies... like, for example, i saw 'the woodman's' recently, centering on francesca woodman, the avant-garde photographer who killed herself in 1981 when she was in her early 20's. 

music? i recently recorded my version of "to love somebody" on the acoustic guitar, which was new for me b/c i usually never play other people's songs, so that was pretty awesome. and i'm going to outside lands music festival in SF this weekend! 

food ... recently made a delicious grilled coho salmon with kale and thick cut fries, and yesterday i was grilling some ny steaks w/ grilled heirloom tomatoes, grilled onions, and summer squash. it gave me the opportunity to finally open up that chianti that's been sitting there too long! i love that reddish brown color of chianti and certain tuscan red's, don't you? 

and i went to a glorious ballet class last night, and on my way home, i met a famous musician - reggie watts - who'll be playing at outside lands in SF, to which i am going this weekend! 

how about you? 

:) aly

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my best guy friend lives in hoboken. yes i'd love to set u two up - save u from this site in the process and play match maker :) - this gal. 

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i think we might be soul mates (depending on what ice cream flavor is your favorite). what's your spirit animal? 

joe

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well, with your pulchritudinous looks and my aplomb, i'd reckon we'd be a match made in heaven. and between the rednecks and the degenerates of this town, the quality of men (and women) is pretty sub par, if i do say so myself. it's a crying shame we haven't met already. 

but seriously, 1st rounds on me! maybe the village? and excuse the alliteration, but may we quench our parched palates with some potent potables :) 

ps. 

i'm matt. 

my favorite colour is blue 

jubilee is my favorite xmen 

cranberry juice is the best juice (utis be gone!) 

it's nice to meet me.

his profile:

i am currently in recovery for wanting to have a sex addiction, so ladies, we will adhere to a strict dating plan. i will not put out until after the fourth date, and if you play your cards right you could end up making out with me in an alley behind a dumpster. i am a hopeless romantic... i know women like men that are a challenge, so i have a tattoo on my arm that says 'homo'. my ideal dream woman is a lady who can handle a high level of disappointment. ladies, i do have a reputation in the bedroom. i am known as two pelvic thrusts and a quiver. then, there is my awkward finishing face followed by some karate chops and howling. i do a character in the bedroom called ninjawolf who was raised by wolves and later by ninjas. i do this to distract you until i can get it back up again.

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you should message me if:

you're very laid back but life is on the move.

you listen to all types of music but are your own groove.

you enjoy friday night but cherish sunday morning.

always fun and spontaneous but sometimes boring.

i guess we’re all different, nobody is the same.

just don’t message me if you’re really lame :)

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no explanation necessary. 

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Your too cute :). i'm too old huh ? For you

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it's been my experience that women who are my favorite zodiac sign...leo...turn out to be serial stalkers that show up unannounced at my door at 3 am drunk, crying, and saying no one loves them. or, they tend to be extremely fun and social.

which one are you? 

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hey this week I was thinking of robbing a bank fleeing down to the ocean and faking my own death. "scuba tanks in the trunk". r u in? ps u should probably bring some sandwiches or something. no egg salad though cause it smells like fries.

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...again. we do it for the stories.

did i st-st-stutter?

online dating is seeing an overwhelming growth in popularity these days. i wish i could say i haven't participated, but unfortunately, it’s the territory when dealing with an overbearing jewish mother and grandmother. the thought that their worst nightmare (me not finding a nice Jewish husband to make nice Jewish babies) might become a reality, just adds fuel to their crazy-fire.

if my aforementioned jewish mother hadn’t offered to pay for the service, you can bet your bottom dollar i would not have agreed to partake. but, given my tendencies to revert back to my college ways, i wasn’t going to oppose the opportunity to get something for free.

and thus began my experience with jdate.

i still to this day don’t understand why any of the following would think I’d have been remotely interested in them:

• over 40
• gorilla-like hair from head-to-toe
• too short to ride a roller coaster at disneyland
• bald
• morbidly obese

and, yet, without fail, men with these unfortunate attributes continued to reach out. time and time again.

however, in spite of that, i will admit my jdate experience wasn’t as unbearable as i had originally anticipated (although i’d never confess that to my mother). of the few who had emailed me that i actually agreed to go out with, i suppose i didn't have the worst time. 

that is, until i met the stutterer...er. 

i wish someone had shared some online dating best practices with me prior to my experience because had that been the case, i'd have avoided this dreadful situation completely. my first mistake: not implementing a mandatory phone screening prior to accepting the date. the second: actually thinking this guy could be potentially normal.

his profile had me fooled. trickery, i tell you. on paper (er, screen) he fit all my criteria: 29 years old, 6'2, career driven, owns property in SF (aka dolla dolla bills, y'all), attractive, trendy, witty. he even dropped a sandlot reference in one of his messages (talk about the things that matter most). so, i have to say, i wasn't dreading this date as i had so much so the others in the past. dare i say i was even slightly... looking forward to it. i even put on my big gal shoes, ready to strut my stuff. 

and then he arrived. i was pleasantly surprised to learn his profile photos didn't even do him justice. "what a strapping young lad," i thought to myself as he approached me.

but just as quickly as my hopes had bubbled up, he opened his mouth. and they came crashing down around me.

this wasn't just your run-of-the-mill, every-day stutter. this was a complete debilitation of any form of communication. tens of seconds would go by in which he was trying to form a cohesive thought, and all that was left was silence and struggle. 

"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!" i cursed every form of higher being in my head, as i politely smiled and waited for him to spit out whatever god-forsaken thing it was he was trying to say. while at the same time, pinching myself underneath the table in order to maintain my cool.

in an attempt to overcome my superficiality (see, mom, i can give someone a chance), i agreed to a "quick" dinner following our drinks. the thing is, there really is no such thing as a "quick" dinner when you're dining with an individual with as bad a speech impediment as this one. i believe cher said it best: if i could turn back time, i would have given in to my shallowness (my better half) and gotten the fuck out of dodge.

needless to say, dinner was excruciatingly painful, at best. 

e-e-e-e-e-every. 

s-s-s-s-s-s-s-ingle. 

s-s-s-s-s-s-sentence. 

a-a-a-a-a-a. 

h-h-h-h-h-hurdle. 

the date ended with a simple hug goodbye, and the entire district of north beach witnessing a blond gal in heels run for dear life.

...but don't feel too bad for me. i did walk away with a half bottle of wine that we were unable to finish at dinner. and for that, the tally is: michelle 1. jdate 0.