Monday, June 18, 2012

now cover your left eye...

there's a time in everyone's life in which they hook up with someone they probably should have otherwise steered clear. someone that causes you to wake up the next day and point a blaming finger at that whorish bottle of tequila. a co-worker, a friend's sibling, a friend's parent, a physician, a janitor at the gym.

in this case, it's an optometrist. and my friend kate.

enter kate. kate seems to get herself into these situations quite frequently. and by situations, i mean black-outs and make-outs that more often than not result in a pathetic attempt by the male participants of said black-outs and make-outs to pursue her shamelessly. ultimately leaving kate no choice but to pull the bitch card and ignore any and all form of communication from these gentlemen callers. no matter how hard they try. this was pretty much standard procedure for kate's four years at uc davis, and the post-college haze following.

one might ask exactly how this came to fruition. kate's gay best friend asked if it happened whilst in the chair, during the eye exam (she acted as though she was offended by the audacity of his inquiry, although if you knew kate, i'll be honest, it's justifiable). unfortunately, that's not exactly how it went (how awesome of a story would it have been if it did?). it actually went a little something like this:

after months of neglect, kate finally scheduled an eye appointment to renew her contact lens prescription. it just so happened the optometrist she had been seeing on the reg was out of town, thus leaving her in the hands of his back-up. it was nothing more than your run-of-the-mill optometry appointment. couple puffs in the eye. a few "what's the smallest row you can read?" some lies as kate cursed under her breath in trying to decipher those teeny, tiny letters and numbers (why the fuck do they make them so damn small and close together?) it wasn't until about half way through when dr. back-up finally said something:

dr. back-up: you look so familiar, do i know you?
kate: well, i don't live here. so. no. (kate, totally on par with being a raging bitch to strangers)
dr. back-up: oh, then do you have a sister?
kate: i mean, yeah, but she doesn't live here either. (really, kate. would it kill you to be nice one of these days?)
dr. back-up: did she go to uc davis?


it turns out, mister optometrist recognized dear ol' kate, much to her embarrassment, from the greek-life social circuit. kate loosened up a bit, agreed to accept dr. back-up's facebook friend request (that at least happened in the exam room), snagged her new contact prescription, gathered whatever little pride she had left, and booked it out the door.

...but what about the make-out?

fast forward to a month later: kate was traveling for work. she remembered something about dr. back-up being in the area for the weekend, and, unsure of what exactly prompted her to do so, whipped out her handy dandy iphone and sent dr. back-up a message.

fast forward to 3 hours later: kate and dr. back-up were texting, making plans to meet up. ok, thought kate, i can totally be friends with an old college acquaintance who sometimes prescribes me eye drops when my allergies are acting up. totally normal, right? ...oooh, margarita special! 

fast forward to 2 hours later: kate by now had demolished 3 margaritas and 4 vodka sodas with some co-workers at a buy one get one free happy hour, still texting the optometrist (drunk texting should be a skill on her resume). i should totally go hang out with my old college bestie! he was actually really fun and cool at davis! and next thing she knew, was in a cab on the way to meet him.

fast forward to 1 hour later: kate and dr. back-up drinking beers and playing pool. boy am i glad dr. back-up is here, teaching me how to play pool. it's so nice of him to help me hold this stick and hit these balls. i'd be nowhere without him! look, he's even buying me more beer! a great guy AND a doctor. so what if he's an inch (or two) shorter than me. my mom would be so proud. he's been trying to make out with me for a while now. whatevs, i guess i'll let him. HEY MOM! I'M MAKING OUT WITH AN OPTOMETRIST! IN THE MIDDLE OF A BAR! AND WE'RE HOLDING POOL STICKS!

i'm not sure if it was the blinding lights of last call, or the fact that kate had an 8:30 a.m. plane to catch, but she suddenly realized it was time to bail. dr. back-up helped sloppy kate grab a cab, yet try as he might, he did not succeed in taking her home. kate dodged that bullet, kudos to her. and, true to kate form, also seemed to dodge all of the optometrist's consequent texts as well.

can't wait to hear how her follow-up eye appointment goes. probably won't be awkward in the least.

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