Wednesday, July 11, 2012

the trifecta of gay.

i'm often approached with questions and concerns around the dating scene in san francisco. it's justifiable, seeing as though i've heard gals outnumber men 2:1 in this city. (i swear i didn't take it upon myself to google that statistic. it just so happens i had a very helpful, and knowledgeable, cab driver the other day). but, apparently, my grandma is aware of this ratio (or she just has an aptitude for mathematics) and makes it a point at least once a month to call me and preach, "too many faygalas in san francisco, michelle. too many faygalas." for those of you who might not have a knack for yiddish, or who might be unfamiliar with harvey milk, san francisco is known for its robust gay population.

many ask if it's challenging to meet straight guys in the city. well, it's clearly not, given the nature of this blog. some folks ask if i've ever been in a situation in which i've hit on, or been hit on, by a man with same sex tendencies. apparently they're under the preconceived notion that every guy you meet out at a bar is gay. and the answer had been no.

...until isaac. 

i have my dear friend sara to thank for the isaac mishap of 2012. don't get me wrong, i appreciate sara's devotion to being an otherwise flawless wing-woman. however, in this case, i could have definitely done without.

also, while we're on the subject, i'd like to stress once again that I LOVE THE GAYS. so much so that my sister and her friends think it necessary to joke about me being a lesbian. sorry to disappoint, but in spite of me bringing my best friend (and soulmate) lisa as my date to more than one wedding and almost every family affair, having an unfeminine-like obsession with sports, hanging out predominantly with dudes, and owning a denim vest as a part of my actual wardrobe, this is in no way the truth. honestly.

so back to isaac. in true mama form, i was drunkity-drunk-drunk-drunk on a friday night on the town. from what i recall, sara approached me. and our conversation went something like this:

sara: omg, michelle, you HAVE to meet isaac!
me: who the fuck is isaac?
sara: this guy i just met. his name is isaac - i think he's a jew!
me: is he tall?
sara: tall enough.
me: fine. send him over. but i think i need another drink.

it was at this point that isaac approached me. what he looked like, i could not tell you. what we spoke about, again, couldn't tell ya. but apparently he was tall enough for me to give him my number. how do i know he gave me my number? because of this text exchange:

isaac (1:27 am): i'll look for you on sunday, smurffette. either way, let's grab drinks or food. talk soon. you're cool :) - isaac
me (3:33 am): right back at ya ;) have s great night

first. let's address my response. a WINKY FACE at 3:30 am? really. i shouldn't be allowed to own a phone. second. i should have known right from the start. golden rule: ALWAYS be skeptical of a text including a smiley. especially from a bro.

for some reason, in spite of my winky face, isaac wanted to take me out for drinks and dinner. the evening of our rendezvous, he texted me:

isaac: on my way. blue sweater and black jacket in case you don't remember exactly what i look like ;-)

again with the smileys. strike 2. although the text was necessary considering the shape i was in the night we met.

me: on my way too! blue floral shirt and black pants in case you need to spot me
isaac: what's your favorite flower? i like gerber daisies.
me: i actually don't know... i'm so bad with stuff like that! we had an orchid once? haha
isaac: alrighty. 

i should have bailed. gerber daisies? is this real? i actually had to google what a gerber daisy looked like. i most definitely couldn't pick one out of a lineup. but, my grandmother's booming voice was echoing in the back of my mind, and i decided to actually show up for the date and give this kid a chance. i mean, hey, it's not his fault i'm florally-retarded.

isaac shows up, clad in his blue sweater and black jacket. he was actually a lot cuter than i had expected, given my history of beer goggle trickery. dinner conversation wasn't terrible, he was actually very smart, and fairly funny. maybe i had it all wrong.

... maybe not.

turns out, the kid's favorite color is purple. and he sang in the choir.

these wouldn't be such terrible attributes had they stood alone. i have a guy friend, v dub, whose favorite color is pink. and my homeboy JP used to sing in the choir (quite talented, too, if you ask me). but purple + choir + gerber daisies? somebody drop this guy off in the castro. on the double.

needless to say, i neglected to call isaac back to follow up on our second date. in spite of his good night make out sesh. talk about throwing you for a loop.

but sorry bro, you're not foolin' anyone.

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