Sunday, January 27, 2013

man, i feel like a woman.

i've come to the realization there is a breaking point as to how much nonsense women will tolerate when it comes to being hit on. sure, it's flattering to a degree, but sometimes it's just comical, absurd or obnoxious. or some combination of the three.

at this point, my friends and i have pretty much seen it all. from grabby foreigners, to drunken assholes, there isn't much that will surprise us anymore. i'd love to sit one of these overly-forward, creepy mofos down and ask what his ROI is in terms of successfully getting laid. i'd be shocked if the conversion of pickup lines to naked chick in bed is higher than a fraction of a percent. (yes, i am a marketing nerd if you couldn't tell).

of course, there are exceptions to every rule. my friend john paul is one of them. i won't give away his secrets, but let's just say he didn't inherit the nickname "the destroyer" for nothing.

and then there are some pickup attempts that are just so ridiculous, they deserve to be made public. thus my attempt at performing my civic duty, and recounting this tale:

it was my first experience spending an extended period of time in the south, so needless to say my hosts planned a big weekend. (side note: it's safe to say, the chances of getting strange increase exponentially when going out in a city other than your own). in true mama form, i had one mandatory requirement during my weekend getaway: watch the penn state game with a cherry noir vodka soda in hand. thankfully, my hosts complied and we found ourselves in midtown ATL with many-a-cocktail to be had. and, we even convinced the waiter to change the nearest TV to the psu game. for which i am forever grateful.

i digress.

it was at this point that two bros happened to join our crew - friends of a friend of a friend situation - which can only mean one thing: removed strange. things were looking good. and so was one of the bros, whose name escapes me. maybe it was anthony. regardless, the feeling was mutual and flirting commenced.

but, it turns out, anthony had to leave early for a date. some gal he'd hooked up with once before, but felt the gentlemanly need to take out on an official date. given my one-track mind, there was only one thing to do: convince anthony to take all 8 of us on his date without telling the gal (sometimes i think i'm going to hell, by influence of jon lee). long story short, anthony completely blew it and spilled our master plan to his date. (this should have been my first clue of anthony's noob tendencies). needless to say, she was less than thrilled and refused to show up on the "date."

that didn't stop us from continuing our saturday rage fest. it also didn't stop anthony from hopelessly pursuing me. and i can't say that i hated the attention... until we sat down for dinner.

our dinner conversation went something like this (also, insert jon lee's chuckle in the background for the full effect):
anthony: are you coming to my place after dinner?
me: i mean, we just sat down and i just got a fresh vodka soda. chill, bro. let's see what everyone else is doing first.
anthony: but i want to romance you.
me: what. stop. just.. stop.
anthony: but you'll come with me after dinner? 
me: seriously, bro, just stop talking. 
anthony: i want to take you back to my room and make you feel like a woman.
me: i said stop talking.

it went on like this for the duration of our meal. he even got up and followed me to the bathroom and waited outside. creepy. i mean, i may or may not have made out with him outside of the bathroom a little. but, seriously. creeper.

once we'd polished off a couple more rounds of bevies, we collectively decided to part ways and reconvene later in the night. anthony was all but trying to drag me around the corner to his place. thankfully i have ninja reflexes and escaped back to my hotel.

you'd think the story would end here. but at some point in the day, i made the mistake of providing our pal anthony with my digits. which apparently is a green-light for persistent perusal, despite multiple rejections.

after answering his 4th phone call, i decided to give in. what's a trip to the south without experiencing southern hospitality? i told him to come over and "make me feel like a woman." that apparently didn't sit well with anthony, who was still hell bent on romancing me. i tried to make it abundantly clear that i didn't want or need romance. he either was going to come over now, or i was going to go out with my friends.

anthony: but, why can't we hang out after that?
me: because last time my friends and i went out, we were up until 4 a.m. and i'd rather not miss out on fun times with them.
anthony: but i need more time with you. i need to romance you.
me: no, just come over now.
anthony: this is too rushed. i need more time.

it was at this point i hung up the phone. i didn't have the patience nor the desire to deal with this kid.

of course, jon lee had heard this whole ordeal and was curious as to the outcome. i let him know my proposal and anthony's ridiculous terms. which ultimately lead to him declining the offer. jon lee was so disturbed by anthony's actions, or lack thereof. and if you were wondering what this status update of his was all about... you know.

lesson learned: if you want to "feel like a woman," just listen to shania twain.

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