Tuesday, February 5, 2013

hey, i just met you. and this is crazy...

there's an episode of friends (season 5 - for fellow friends obsessed who want a reference point), when rachel tells ross she loves him and then bursts into a fit of laughter. her explanation, however, is freaking fantastic. for those who are unfamiliar, the dialogue goes like this:

rachel: i'm still in love with you, ross.
ross: ...i'm not sure what to do with that right now.
[rachel starts laughing]
ross: was that a joke? because it's mean.
rachel: i'm so dead serious. i'm totally serious.
ross: then why are you laughing?
rachel: because... because i just heard it! and it's ridiculous! i mean, you're married. you're married! and it's like... i had this rachel rising out of my body. and the floating rach... the floating rachel is like 'you are such an idiot!'

i bring this up, not only to demonstrate my love and devotion to this classic sitcom, but because one of my gal pals had a similar 'floating rachel' experience. but it wasn't due to professing her unrequited love in a coffee shop. it actually took place in the parking structure of an airport.

some backstory: rachel was going through a bit of a life shit storm and was in dire need of an escape from reality. she decided a weekend getaway was very much in order and called up her trusty friend tom to tag along with her. given the fact that rachel very rarely takes 'no' for an answer, tom booked their flights. and in one week's time, they were on their way to visit some mutual friends.

the weekend, however, left much to be desired. rachel played wing woman so her hostess could get it in, resulting in rachel sitting on the couch at a random bro's house desperately covering her ears while it was happening. (the noises. terrifying). she was blatantly rejected by a bro at a bar (seriously, he physically shoved her aside). and she discovered (via facebook) her ex-boyfriend was dating someone else (someone super ugly, according to rachel). talk about a couple kicks in the pants.

by the time sunday came around, rachel was more than thrilled to head back home. and tom's friend, matt, had offered to take them to the airport at the end of what rachel could only view as an epic failure of a weekend. however, unbeknownst to rachel, tom had planned a last minute farewell sushi soiree with a handful of his friends. friends who love sake bombs. the last thing rachel wanted to do was rage at a sushi restaurant. but a free ride to the airport was on the line. so... when in rome.

now, rachel had never met matt before dinner. and you could only imagine the sloppy first impression she was making, tossing sake bombs down her gullet as if it were going out of style. but after drinking the restaurant dry, it was time to head home, so rachel wobbled to the car and adam and matt tucked her away in the backseat.

the following series of events are a bit of a blur, seeing as though rachel doesn't quite remember the ride to the airport. she also doesn't have any recollection of dropping tom off at his terminal. and she definitely doesn't recall how she ended up with matt in the backseat of his car parked on the top floor of the airport parking structure...

...but, she can recount her floating rachel experience. of course, the below is my interpretation of her out of body experience, but i believe the inner monologue to have gone something like this:

wait a second... what... am... i... DOING? who is this small persian man on top of me? of course he would be driving a BMW. why is my bra strewn ever so gracefully across the dashboard? wait, am i in an airport parking lot? yep. confirmed: parking lot. does this count as the mile high club?! ...you are such an idiot.

ps: tom can never EVER know about this. 

welp. i can say with confidence the last bit has been thrown out the window. but, at least there's a lesson to be learned from our dear floating rachel...

...next time, take a cab to the airport.

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