Friday, June 28, 2013

shiver me tinder.

picture a world in which with just the swipe of a finger, you can judge someone solely based on looks and looks alone. well, ladies and gentlemen, we live in that world. and that superficial world, is tinder.

for those of you still lucky enough to be single (or those shadeballs in a relationship) you've probably heard of the nifty little app by the name of tinder. if you're not familiar with it, you should be. because it's the best and worst thing to ever happen to our generation.

the premise is locating people nearby and surfacing photos, age, shared friends and interests pulled in from facebook. you can then swipe to the left if you're not interested. and to the right if you're diggin' them. if you mutually like each other, congrats! it's a match. and you can message one another within the app interface. and potentially, set up a date. and/or a time and place to get down and dirty. however you decide to roll is your choice. i'm not one to judge.

in case you're still wondering, the average tinder experience goes a little something like this:

- await anxiously as you stare at the flashing blue dot signifying your location while tinder's magical red lines circle about to find out who's nearby.

- giggle in excitement as the first person to pop up is a 19 year old taking a selfie of himself shirtless. 

- swipe to the left and give 'em a big fat NOPE because you've actually decided to go with your better judgement on this one and have actively chosen to avoid dating said 19 year old with a bangin' body.

- next victim. oh, your name is puma? yeah, no. swipe left. 

- the next one catches your eye as a potential match. you're intrigued enough to scroll through his pictures. he's on the top of a mountain. he's in the snow. he's skydiving. yikes. i really like my couch... yeah, sorry sporty spice. to the left.

- finally! you're served up a cutie who actually tickles your fancy. couple mutual friends. couple mutual interests. OK, guy. let's give him a big ol' hell YES and swipe to the right. OMG OMG OMG i got a match! HE LIKES ME BACK! our future children will be so cute! and look at all our shared friends and interests. it's meant to be!! <<3 excruciating days go by>> WHY HASN'T THE LOVE OF MY LIFE MESSAGED ME YET? we could have had at least 5 babies by now!!! ugh. i bet he's a compulsive right-swiper. what an ass. welp, back to the swipe grind i go.

it's quite the emotional roller-coaster. but it's also a great way to feel better about yourself by putting other people down. or, left, i should say.'s also a great outlet to make the biggest little mistake of your life.

enter tanya. tanya travels a lot for work and is frequently by herself in new cities. she was recently on a trip to denver and had a day off. so instead of fumbling around the city solo, she thought it'd be advantageous to hit up some local bros on tinder to show her around town.

an excellent idea... in theory. what tanya didn't realize is the underlying stigma that tinder is more or less the grindr for straight folk. this, was her first problem.

but, there she was. matched and chatting with a bro named mike. he was cute, 30, and a local real estate guru. they befriended each other on facebook, chatted on the phone, and made plans for lunch and a tour of the city. it was 11:30 a.m. and mike said he'd need an hour to go home to get a little more work done before the rest of his friday was free.

tanya waited patiently as the one hour turned into two. mike called apologizing, saying he'd just be another hour. so, that hour went by. after which mike said he'd be just 20 more minutes. but those 20 minutes quickly turned into another 60. tanya was not impressed, as it was almost 3:30 p.m. and she could have been boppin' around exploring the city by herself at this point.

finally, at a quarter to four, mike arrived to take her to "lunch," but not before they ran into his apartment to drop off his work bag.

"this is getting really dumb," tanya thought. "i really don't want to go into this kid's apartment. i better text someone his license plate number. i'm also fucking hungry. i thought we were getting lunch. dear lord, please don't let this man chop me up into a million pieces."

the longer she sat in the car with him, the more she was regretting her decision. all mike could talk about was how much money he makes and how hot his ex-girlfriend was. he also may or may not have had a mandatory breathalyzer in his car as a result of his probation due to a DUI. what a winner.

they went up to his apartment, where he began to show off his $13,000 watch and his new summer wardrobe from j-crew. again, tanya was hardly impressed. oh, and mike also offered her cocaine.

FINALLY it was time for lunch, which tanya hardly even wanted to sit through at this point. he took her to a denver must-eat restaurant which was on her list of to-dos. at least she had something to show for her day. and even though he wouldn't let her order and he ordered for them both (a huge no-no in tanya's book), she did enjoy the food. but most definitely not the company.

it was time to put a stop to this. especially since mike was under the impression they were going to spend the rest of the day/night together and ultimately end up in bed.

tanya had been texting her friend alli throughout these shenanigans, begging to help her to find a way out. alli came up with the perfect plan. as tanya's phone rang, she motioned for mike to shut the f up and pretended it was her boss calling with a deadline (the faux-phone call seems to me a running theme with my friends).

thinking she was in the clear, she asked mike to drive her home after they finished their meal. turns out, that wasn't going to happen, since mike drank a beverage with lunch and couldn't drive (you know, because of his probation and all). he kept trying to persuade her to ignore her boss's request. and after talking in circles about why that just could not happen, he finally agreed to let her leave.

so back to mike's house they went to wait for a cab. and for mike, to do more blow. also, mike's friend tommy happened to show up, whom tanya had the pleasure of meeting. tommy was a 300 pound man wearing barefoot shoes and reeking of B.O. and when asked where he'd been the last few days his response, "you know, dropping acid and taking shrooms. just a normal thursday." 

after about what seemed to be the longest 20 minutes of tanya's life, the cab arrived. mike walked her to the elevator and went in for a kiss. lucky, tanya had recently been taking a lot of kickboxing classes. she knew the bob and weave would come in handy one day! she dodged the kiss of death, and ran out of there as fast as her little feet would allow.

she then unfriended mike on facebook. blocked him on tinder. and refused to answer his calls and texts the rest of the trip.

lesson learned: keep calm and tinder on.

1 comment: